The 16 members of the US National Women’s Team say they’ll all quit if Lia Thomas, the transgender swimmer who won the NCAA Championship and set 11 world records, gets so much as a tryout. “None of these women want to spend their locker room time looking at male genitals just for an advantage,” said Coach Joe Barron, “they’d rather win honestly than to have a ringer on the team.”

A ringer is described as someone far overqualified to compete in an event, typically involving sports. “They feel like the world will look down on them if they allow a biological male on their team.”

According to Thomas, there is no advantage and the reports of her dominance are “extremely exaggerated.” Yet there are all those records and medals. A spokesman for the US Olympic committee responded to our request for comment, noting that they had no idea why the women’s volleyball team, the squad in the article’s feature image, would care if Lia Thomas got a tryout.

“I doubt she’d make it. She’s a swimmer. They don’t play a lot of volleyball.” This reporter confirmed that in all the years of volleyball and swimming, never has someone trained in the 50-yeard dash won a medal.