“I’m not saving your woke brand,” Gaines said on Joe Rogan’s podcast, “they need true stars like me to put the shame of yet another trans person who steals from women.” Riley was on her way to greatness when along came a swimmer with an incredibly long wingspan and muscles developed far past the typical female to steal her spot.

The swimmer was Lia Thomas, the biological male who swam to glory as a woman, leaving women like Riley to pick up the pieces and move on. Without that fateful day, The entire world would have known the name, Riley Gaines. She would have taken 5th place in her event instead of tying for 5th in an NCAA women’s swimming event, ensuring her fame and fortune.

“I was robbed,” Gaines told anyone who would listen until someone finally figured out she’s perfect tater food, “and I had to see Thomas’ male genitals.” It’s her willingness to be open about her experience and confidence that men on the right will listen to her because she says buzzwords and qualifies as basically attractive.

“She’s the next Tomi Lahren,” said Joe Barron, who doesn’t need a title for this one, “all she needs is some plastic surgery. Her eyes are too close together.”