Academy Awards Replaces Whoopi With “Less Controversial” Keanu Reeves as Host
The 109th Annual Academy Awards announced a major shift in its hosting lineup. Whoopi Goldberg, who was told last March that she was chosen to head the show in 2023, was snubbed by the ceremony committee.
“Ms. Goldberg has become too to-xic and contr-oversial,” said Committee Chairman Joe Barron, “I’d say it was a di-fficult decision but it really wasn’t. She more or less did this to herself.”
The problem, according to Whoopi’s social media expert Skip Tetheludah, is that she couldn’t keep both her own fanbase and a politically opposite cult-like “group of potatoes” happy at the same time. ‘It’s easier to just keep them entertained with nonsense. So we don’t really question it.”
In Whoopi’s place will be Keanu Reeves in his first appearance hosting the show. Many believe the honor is far overdue for Reeves, who literally everyone loves. “I hope to earn the respect and admiration of the Academy and humbly ask permission to make jokes that may be aimed towards females,” Reeves said in a statement, “my apologies in advance.”
Reeves also sent out a waiver form for hugs after handing out awards. “I just want to make sure everyone is comfortable with physical contact.”
Goldberg, who has hosted the show 4 times now, has never once asked permission to hug anyone. That’s the difference between a world-class actor and a talk show host.
God bless America. And God Bless Keanu Reeves.